Editor’s Note: These are revised horoscopes based on newly developed star charts, updated sign names, and better prediction methods. The guy who sold them to me on Craigslist promised would be “at least 37 percent more accurate”. So you better enjoy them. I spent a week’s salary on this.

SMOOTH JAZZ

15 – Mar. 29

Guess what? You can play the bagpipes. You just were never taught. Go buy some bagpipes and embrace your natural talent!

BEANS

30 – May 1, but not Apr. 20

Everyone who you’ve ever farted around 1) knew immediately that it was you, 2) smelled it, and 3) has never forgiven you.

WEED

Apr. 20

You were born on the weed day. I’m not sure what that means but I think you should watch out for lawnmowers.

THAT ONE STAR UNCLE ALBERT KEPT SWEARING WAS THE NORTH STAR DESPITE BEING KINDA SOUTHWEST

May 2 – Jul. 23

Don’t panic, but at some point in your life, you will become Augsburg University faculty. Don’t worry, it’s not that bad. Just don’t become an adjunct.

DAMP MEMES

24 – Aug. 23

Nobody is real but you. This is an automatically generated message. You have spent too much time in the simulation. It’s time to wake up.

RUBBER DUCK

24 – Sep. 23, Dec. 17 – Dec. 23

Are you sure?

LEONARDO DICAPRIO

24 – Nov. 23, Mar. 25

Everyone that you thought didn’t like you secretly admires you! And is in love with you! And has a secret folder on their computer with pictures of you they took while you weren’t looking!

CANCER

Nov. 24 – Dec. 16

Try not to get it.

THE FACT THAT THIS IS IN THE WRONG PLACE

Sept. 24 – Oct. 23

Have you ever really stopped to consider what your armpits smell like? Because they likely smell like deodorant and sweat, and that’s the best-case scenario.

UNICORN

Dec. 17 – Dec. 24

You don’t see it now, but you are slowly but surely growing a horn. Don’t panic; it’ll look good on your résumé.

CHRISTMAS

Dec. 25

You and I both know that they never give you as many presents as they would if your birthday was farther from Christmas.

A REALLY NEAT CARDBOARD BOX

Dec. 26 – Feb. 14

You know what they always say: “You can’t make an omelet.” That’s all they say. You just need more lessons in how to cook eggs.

This article first appeared in the Friday, April 6th Edition of The Echo.