Percy Bartelt, opinions editor
We all know at least one person that’s considered a people pleaser — perhaps you’re one yourself. I find it odd that there’s such a negative and monstrous reputation that these people are master manipulators and will please anyone to get their way when that’s just not the case.
Personally, I consider myself a people pleaser — though I’m actively trying to break these habits because I hate them too. Believe me, I don’t want to be some “yes” man to everyone, to bend over backwards to help or give attention to anyone, even when it messes with others’ plans. It’s frustrating for me too and I hate that I do it!
Much like other subcategories of mental illness, people pleasing is simply a trauma response, it’s a part of social anxiety and sometimes just simply how people are raised. We grow up having to please those around us to avoid some form of aggressive reaction. We people please out of fear, insecurity, anxiety, trauma. This is not malicious. But, yes, there is absolutely no denying that it is frustrating to deal with, because people pleasing is a reason for making mistakes within any relationship, but it is NOT an excuse. One always needs to own up to mistakes, otherwise the problem simply gets bigger.
With that being said, it genuinely pisses me off when people say they hate people pleasers or they call them manipulators, what exactly do people pleasers have to gain for “manipulating” you? They’re not doing it to get something from you, they’re doing it because they’re scared and anxious and don’t want to disappoint people or they don’t want to be yelled at; like I said, a trauma response.
what exactly do people pleasers have to gain for “manipulating” you? They’re not doing it to get something from you, they’re doing it because they’re scared and anxious and don’t want to disappoint people or they don’t want to be yelled at
percy bartelt
If you encounter “people pleasers” that are manipulating you, then that’s simply a manipulative person and not someone going through this debilitating and frustrating part of intense mental health issues. Not to mention the demonizing of people pleasing is making the entire issue of people pleasing worse! In my experience, demonizing this just makes the internal social anxiety worse and will in turn keep people from making progress toward breaking these pleasing habits.
We people please because we feel like we have to, in order to maintain a positive relationship with others, to make sure other people find us useful, to avoid disappointing people and to avoid being yelled at for not doing something. That is simply all people pleasing is. As stated before, these behaviors do not at all excuse someone for making a mistake, but it is the reason for the mistake being made.
So, how does one interact with a chronic people pleaser? Exactly how you would with anyone else, be a human being, have empathy for other people and, most importantly, just be open with them! Like a normal person! I find it easy to talk to other people pleasers, ask them how they truly feel and eventually you will get their true answer. They’re not doing it to hide anything from you, to manipulate you because there’s nothing to gain from that. They’re doing it because that’s what they feel like they have to do — all it takes from you is patience and understanding.