Horoscopes

ARIES
Mar 21 – Apr 20
Do you have enough pairs of socks? Are you sure? You should probably go out and buy more. The sock gremlin that lives in your dryer is getting hungry.
TAURUS
Apr 21 – May 21
The stars say you forgot someone’s birthday. They don’t say whose birthday, though, so you should probably figure that out.
GEMINI
May 22 – Jun 22
This line by your thumb is your Life Line. Judging by its curvature, it looks like — wait, you wanted a horoscope? Sorry, I thought you were looking for palmistry.
CANCER
Jun 23 – Jul 23
Have you considered backpacking across America? Have you wanted to get to know the country, meet new people, and get a fuller, more educated understanding of local cultures? Well, don’t.
LEO
Jul 24 – Aug 23
You should get a dog. Already have a dog? Get two dogs. Already have two dogs? Get three dogs. Already have three dogs? Well, then you’re already livin’ the dream, baby.
VIRGO
Aug 24 – Sep 23
The Universe sees you procrastinating. The Universe sees that paper and two projects you have due in a week. The Universe wants you to start some homework. The Universe wants you to succeed.
LIBRA
Sep 24 – Oct 23
Count every rabbit you see this week. You’ll need this number soon. Very soon.
SCORPIO
Oct 24 – Nov 22
The Universe is sending you a message. That message is: get a microwave. The Universe feels bad that you have to keep going to the Urness lobby to heat up your food.
SAGITTARIUS
Nov 23 – Dec 21
You should pick up a new hobby. Or two. Or seven. Consider juggling.
CAPRICORN
Dec 22 – Jan 20
Jellyfish don’t use electricity to sting; they actually use harpoon-like structures on their tentacles to inject a neurotoxin into anything that swims into them!
AQUARIUS
Jan 21 – Feb 19
Tip your waitress. Tip your barista. Tip your hairdresser. But don’t tip your friends. That’s weird and it’s making them uncomfortable.
PISCES
Feb 20 – Mar 20
Invest in tarantulas. They generally have a pretty good understanding of economics.