Horoscopes

scARIES
Mar 21 – Apr 20
Like the myth of Sisyphus, as you continuously carve Jack-o-Lanterns for Halloween, squirrels will continue to destroy them. But you can’t give up; keep buying more pumpkins. You’ll defeat the squirrels, eventually.
monsTAURUS
Apr 21 – May 21
Someone is going to ruin the ending of American Vandal for you. Even though it’s been out for 2 years, and you really could have watched it by now. The only way to prevent it is to drop everything and watch it all right now. What are you waiting for?
GEMINI-o-lantern
May 22 – Jun 22
Someone who looks just like you, talks just like you, and acts just like you, will start appearing around you. Someone who looks just like you, talks just like you, and acts just like you, will start appearing around you, too.
CANdyCER
Jun 23 – Jul 23
It’s a weird week for you. The wifi will be out everywhere you go, and then mysteriously start working as soon as you leave. Spooky.
haLEOween
Jul 24 – Aug 23
You don’t know why, but some mysterious force will compel you to visit the 3rd floor of the old Science Building. It’s creaky and the lights aren’t on, but something you need is up there.
VIRGhost
Aug 24 – Sep 23
We all know you’re the type of person who rolls their eyes when people get scared of Halloween things, and that’s totally fair. But an even scarier day comes after October 31st- November 1st, when rent and tuition are due.
LIBooRA
Sep 24 – Oct 23
You’ve been working incredibly hard to find the perfect pieces for your Halloween costume, and now that you finally have it together, it looks amazing. Nobody will get it. But that’s okay, you just have to find Nobody.
spookIO
Oct 24 – Nov 22
Everytime you turn on your computer, you’ll encounter the Mac spinning wheel of death. It’s rainbow spokes taunt you as you try to complete your assignment. Even if you don’t have a Mac, it will appear.
SAGITerroRIUS
Nov 23 – Dec 21
The ghost of the napkin industry is coming back to haunt you. Watch out, and hide your paper towels.
CAPRIcandyCORN
Dec 22 – Jan 20
Last night, when you went to bed, there was a skeleton in the room. This morning, when you brushed your teeth, there was a skeleton there too. Wherever you go, it goes too. You cannot escape it. Wait, it’s just your skeleton? Still seems spooky.
AQUAReekUS
Jan 21 – Feb 19
One time in 3rd grade, you did something mildly embarrassing, the memory of which you just can’t shake. Remember that? Now you do.
riPISCIES
Feb 20 – Mar 20
Everything is going great, except you forgot to feed your Tamagotchi in 2006, and its probably dead now.