Heldon Centellas, village commoner

Mortensen Hall, the 15-story tall residence building named after Gerda Mortensen, has fallen. On the frigid night of Feb. 28, 2023, students woke up to the sound of shattering windows, screeching girders and wailing beams. Just as quickly, panic ensued amongst them as the structures failed. Students managed to evacuate the collapsing building through stairways leading out to Parking Lot B and E. However, as the building began to sway more and more, they were forced to flee farther away towards Lot D and Murphy Square. 

With one final roar, Mortensen Hall fell. Shouts were heard from all over campus as the building gave away, crumbling in on itself. The sound of bricks striking the pavement could be heard all the way from Oren Gateway Center, one student reported. 

Fortunately, a majority of the students who were inside Mortensen Hall were able to get out before the collapse. An anonymous student, who we will refer to as Stu Dent, recounted the horrible story, having witnessed the tragic fall of Mortensen from their vehicle as they were driving back to campus. Paralyzed in disbelief, they revealed, “Just as Mortensen crashed to the ground, so did the roaches.”

“First, they came for the students in Lot D … then they came for me” the anonymous student recounted. “The cockroaches had engulfed all the students and carried them away.” The student continued saying that they panicked, as the cockroaches besieged their car. Having no choice but to slam on the accelerator, Dent did everything in their power to wipe the cockroaches away and swerve around the surrounding mayhem. The student was stopped by authorities on Riverside Avenue. Their vehicle sustained serious damage from having run over so many cavernous potholes around campus.

As of Feb. 29, the situation has only gotten worse. Students who were not taken away by the roaches remain under the strict surveillance of a private security company named Alliance of Freedom Defenders hired by Augsburg to defend against further roach attacks. Authorities are still seeking the whereabouts of the students who were kidnapped by the roaches the previous night. 

A member of the Echo had reportedly received an ominous text message from a kidnapped student. The text received at 4:44 a.m. read, “they search for a home.” Another message was received at the same time saying, “don’t trust them.” However, it is of utmost importance to note that the AFD has received another one of these anonymous messages which only said, “you have 32 days.” It is difficult to receive word from students on the matter, as the AFD is holding a campus-wide lockdown.  

Only a few students were able to escape AFD’s clutches; however, the Echo was able to contact some now off-campus survivors of the collapse. According to these students, the AFD has confiscated all of their phones and electronics and have heard nothing from administration or Augsburg Day Student Government following the collapse. 

Some students believe that Mortensen fell due to the crushing weight of broken promises and the failure to meet their low expectations. There is also speculation that the cockroaches are looking for a new place to call home and using the kidnapped students as leverage before they clash with the AFD on April 1, 2023. Until then, I guess we’ll never know.