Pluto Koehnen, commuter

As of March 15, Augsburg University is purchasing the state of Rhode Island. In memory of August Weenaas —the University’s first president, who was born in Rhode Island— the university has been in communication with President Donald Trump to secure the state as University property. Augsburg University’s current president, Paul Pribbenow, states that in his last year as President of Augsburg University, securing Rhode Island will push for his goal of “strengthening, advancing, and growing Augsburg as a sustainable university.” On Truth Social, President Trump stated, “THIS WILL BE A GREAT DEAL FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. Paul Pribbenow, you will be MISSED GREATLY!!!” 

I am sure that buying Rhode Island will present more opportunities. President Pribbenow plans to utilize Rhode Island’s ocean-based economy to aid Augsburg University’s Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics (STEM) program. With Rhode Island’s lengthy coastline, buildings for biochemistry, engineering, business, and finance students are all surefire. Roughly three times the size of Hagfors, each major has been guaranteed a personalized building. As a biochemistry major, I am thrilled about this new possibility. However, as a double major, I am concerned.  It is expected that any double majors— given that they major in biochemistry, engineering, business, or finance along with a separate major—will be required to commute between the coast of Rhode Island and Minneapolis. 

I foresee this plan elevating Augsburg’s budget. In regard to the universities in Rhode Island, Augsburg has made the pledge to house all the residents and faculty. Augsburg’s financial team estimates a 193% profit increase, with a 670% increase in undergraduate students, resulting in more than 20,000 total students. Not only is this hopeful for enhancing the quality of our learning and food, but it also expands the options of peers. Combining Augsburg with universities like Brown and Roger Williams will improve our overall net worth. Brown is known for their Ivy League athletics and strength in STEM, while Roger Williams is known for their breathtaking campus and delicious food. Merging these strengths into a conglomerate will make Augsburg one of the strongest universities in the United States. We will become the PepsiCo of education. Despite this significant increase, all freshmen are obligated to dorm in Urness Tower. I feel that it’s important for all full-time, residential first-year students to experience the hardships of Urness Tower. Augsburg will not be updating Urness and Mortensen even with their newfound funding. 

With Rhode Island being more than 1,200 square miles, Augsburg will have a lot of space to work with. The engineering department could be placed in Newport, while the business division can be placed in Westerly. The food court and new food lab will take up the north half of the state, including 120 new dining options. Jonathan Fitzpatrick, Augsburg alumni and owner of Subway, states that “we as a company are lucky to be a part of Augsburg’s new adventure into the East Coast.” David Scrivano, CEO of Little Caesars, has donated $1.6 million to fund Augsburg’s purchase. He states that, “Paul and I have been long-time friends. He saved my cat from a tree once, and the rest is history.” 

Overall, Augsburg University buying Rhode Island will be a fantastic purchase. Buying Rhode Island will enhance Augsburg’s infamous reputation, funding, faculty and student count, opportunities, and quality of learning. Who needed Rhode Island anyway?