Teyah Parent, mrs. frog

In a move that has left students, faculty, and at least one albino squirrel utterly speechless, Augsburg University announced last week that Mr. Frog—yes, that Mr. Frog from the hit reality TV show “Smiling Friends”—will be stepping in as the institution’s new Dean of Students. The announcement was delivered via a sketchy email with the subject line “HELLO.” The rest of the email contained a low-resolution image of Mr. Frog staring directly into the camera with the text “I accept.” Despite its brevity, the message has already been described by administrators as “decisive,” “bold,” and “legally binding.”

University President Paul Pribbenow assured students during an emergency press conference last weekend that 

Mr. Frog has passed an ongoing “extensive and highly rigorous background check” though he declined to elaborate on whether that process included viewing the clip where he ate a human being on live television. “We believe Mr. Frog brings a unique perspective on student engagement,” Pribbenow said moments before the microphone cut out and began emitting an ominous static. The press conference was cut off shortly after.

Students have expressed both excitement and dread. “I mean, he’s iconic,” said sophomore communications major Kevin Bacon, who wanted me to note that he was wearing a homemade “Mr Frog Make Augsburg Great Again” T-shirt. “But also, didn’t he… you know… do that thing? Like multiple times?” He did not specify what “that thing” was, but several nearby students nodded excessively.

To better understand his vision, I secured an exclusive interview with Mr. Frog, conducted in what used to be the Dean’s office in Memorial Hall and is now, for unspecified reasons, completely filled with bugs and closed off to the public.

When asked about his plans for improving student life, Mr. Frog responded: “HELLO. Students will be happy,” before abruptly standing up and attempting to consume my notebook.

When pressed further, he elaborated: “More clubs. More… events.” At this point, he gestured toward the window, where several unidentified figures dressed in all black were erecting a gold statue in his honor at the center of Murphy square.

It should also be noted on the record that while I was in the office, I heard muffled screaming from the closet. 

While some initiatives are minor, such as replacing all campus dining options with a single rotating “mystery slop,” others have raised some concern among faculty. A leaked draft of Mr. Frog’s “project 2026” included proposals like “mandatory Jimmy Fallon watch party,” “replace finals with trials,” “legalize cocaine,” and “release the critter.”

“It’s hard to say what any of this means,” said Professor Iamnota Bug of the Sociology Department. “But historically, when someone says ‘release the critter’ in an administrative context, it’s not great.” Entire sections of campus have been rebranded overnight, including the library, now labeled “VIP.” Orientation Leaders have been instructed to “smile more, or else,” though no one has clarified what “or else” really means. “This is the most alive campus has felt in years,” said junior Anita Bath, moments before being handed a live cricket by an unidentified administrator. At press time, Mr. Frog issued a final statement regarding his long-term vision for Augsburg University:

“HELLO. It will be good.” University officials have since reassured students that everything is “completely under control.” Though they declined to comment on what happened to former Dean of Students Michael Grewe.