Lela Nesheim, Staff Writer
1. A swamp witch is gonna be stinky sometimes and hairy all the times.
2. A swamp witch loves a good bog.
3. A swamp witch collects weird insects and shows them to their bewildered friends, and thus probably doesn’t have very many friends, or maybe has a lot of friends but they’re all f*ckin’ weird.
4. A swamp witch is proud of their spots, pock marks, stretch marks, wrinkles, scars and zits and will give these things affectionate names — for instance, Esperanza the breast lump or Ferdinand the face pimple.
5. A swamp witch will most likely have a cat. This cat will most likely NOT be named Kevin.
6. A swamp witch gives a shit about the environment.
7. Remember when Chef Gusteau said “Anyone can cook” in beloved Pixar film “Ratatouille” (2007)? Well, anyone can be a swamp witch.
8. A swamp witch will someday live in a hut in the woods and this hut will be full of dried flowers, animal bones, a scythe (just in case), a crystal ball (for bludgeoning), at least 3 cases of Miller Lite (for meditation) and lots and lots of frogs.
9. A swamp witch can be goth AND like Ariana Grande.
10. A swamp witch will burp, fart, sweat, cuss, curse, scream, dance, sing, drum, hum, gesticulate, guffaw, squeal, shit, piss, eat, vomit, smile, frown, stay up late, wake up late, kiss, make out, masturbate, fornicate, swallow, high-five, karate-chop, punch, kick, block, cough, choke, spit and take up space joyously, unabashedly and without shame.
11. Lastly, a swamp witch will love the smell of their own farts.
Bask in the scent, my friends.
Your friend and fellow swamp witch,
This article was originally published in the Oct. 19, 2018 issue.
Illustration by Bridgette Boone.