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NEW YEAR NEW YOU(?): NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION SHENANIGANS (HOROSCOPE EDITION)

Boluwatife Kuku, Staff Writer

 

Aries: I resolve to make “Truth Hurts” the official theme song of my life from now on, don’t @ me

 

Taurus: I’m making healthy choices! (Okay I know I said that last year…and the year before that…but I’m serious this time!)

 

Gemini: MY NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION PRANK?!?! (GONE WRONG) (NOT CLICKBAIT)

 

Cancer: I don’t need my ex. This year, I’m moving on without them!!! (pls come back ;_;)

 

Leo: Meal plan? Prepared. Gym Routine? Set up. Study time? Scheduled. Wig? Snatched. The way that he doesn’t even like to smile? Wack. Me? I’M TIGHT AS FUU-

 

Virgo: Does anyone know how many calories are in a 1/27th slice of avocado toast? Anyone?? Please, I need this for science!!

 

Libra: No need, I love myself. Even though I’m broke as all hell, I still love myself. (; – 😉

 

Scorpio: A marathon? A triathlon? An Ironman race? All in the same week? SIGN ME THE HELL UP, NO PAIN NO GAIN

 

Sagittarius: Alexa, look up ways for me to go off the grid–permanently.

 

Capricorn: Nonono, all that avocado toast is for decorative purposes only, I’m not worried about my health at all, absolutely not, why would you even think of that haha

 

Aquarius: Alexa, look up ways to jumpstart the solarpunk revolution while going off the grid permanently

 

Pisces: Fake New Year’s Resolution???? (Got Pranked On…)(Gone Terribly Wrong)(This Isn’t Clickbait I Promise)

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