Tayana Osuna, hater of arts

The Echo — Augsburg University’s Student Produced Newspaper — how I loathe thee. I mean they have absolutely nothing going for them. I mean what kind of name is “The Echo,” like what even is that?! A sound?! Not even, it’s the sound of a sound, you losers. Now, I know many of you probably aren’t aware of this wee little paper group — perhaps it’s too niche of a subject — so allow me to paint you a little picture. 

Imagine this, you have a jam-packed schedule of classes, homework and unwanted socializing. However, between all of this you have forty minutes of chapel time. Normally you’d head to your dorm to relax, maybe grab a bite, but you happen to be friends with one of the Echo lunatics that insists on you coming to their general meeting on this lovely Thursday morning. After much begging, and several tears, you agree to the peasants’ wishes. 

Upon arrival, you are thrown into unbearable awkward silence that I wouldn’t wish upon anyone! Not only that, but the chairs — okay, I need a moment — okay — the chairs, my god, WHY DO NONE OF THEM MATCH?!?! I mean how do they live like that?? On top of that none of them are organized?! It could not be more unclear as to where to sit! 

This sorry mistake of an office is covered from head to toe in criminally uncomfortable chairs and ugly brown boxes of their own issues. Which, about that, does no one take them or something?? This should have been my warning. No one must be reading them or paying them any mind. Explains why they live so haphazardly. One of them even claimed she was “still organizing them, I swear!” Though, it looked more like her attention was more targeted at her next piercing appointment, smh. Plus, this paper organization must be at fault for the deforestation of our entire nation at this rate! Definitely not corporations or capitalism or anything. 

Their chairs and crimes are not the worst thing, surprisingly. Frankly, I wish they were because boy oh boy, you might want to sit down for this. There is a monster among them. Well, more like a goblin.Nonetheless, I wish I had never laid eyes upon such a devilish fiend. Percy Fartbelt, how I regret meeting thee. The moment you entered the room your greasy hair and vicious eyes told me what you were. I wouldn’t trust him for a second if I were you, dear reader. His stature may appear adorable — you know given that he’s so short and all — but beware of his might, for he can annihilate you at any given moment if he wishes. 

The moment we locked eyes, he said — and this is 100% actual factual — he said to me, “Your piercings make you look gay, probs why your mom doesn’t love you.” HE SAID THAT TO ME, STRAIGHT TO MY FACE, NO HESITATION!! I MEAN WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THAT??!! NO ONE, BECAUSE HE’S NOT HUMAN! My theory is he’s from some place called Jerkmania where everyone is child sized and a film major. How sad of a planet, no wonder he moved. 

Other than that the meetings are fine. They share pitches, talk about current events and bully Percy, it’s kind of a vibe.