Percy Bartelt, tayana’s arch nemesis

As if our options couldn’t get any worse for the upcoming 2024 election between Trump and Biden yet again, a very “pupular” third-party candidate has thrown his hat into the ring — or rather, his collar. 

That’s right, a French Bulldog named Jimmy Squibbs, a previously running mayor from Ohio, has declared on March 1 that he is running for President and has been privately funding his presidential campaign through “multiple outlets,” as described by his political team. Inspired by another dog in politics, Mayor Duke from Cormorant, MN, Squibbs has been a very vocal and open politician, participating in as many campaigns as he possibly can. However, I don’t mean that in a good way. Squibbs may seem like a fair option, far better than the other two, but that’s not to say that he doesn’t have his own shortcomings and even shocking controversies. 

Yeah, sure, it’s funny and is relatable to younger voters, especially with new Gen Zers registering to vote, but is that really the kind of message we want to be showing as a country? Doing things “for the bit?” Didn’t think this would be a hot take, but I prefer to have my politicians with formality and a strong sense of professionalism when facing the public! Apparently that’s too much to ask from all parties these days…

Now, to get into Squibbs’ long list of controversies. In 2017, Squibbs was fully tried and convicted of first-degree robbery of multiple banks around the Columbus, Ohio area. Wouldn’t you think that would keep him from running for President? Well, Trump seems to do just fine, but Squibbs has apparently found a way to weasel his way through office. There are rumors and alleged whistleblowers from within Squibbs’ teams and offices about bribery of lawyers, archivists and judges. Though nothing has been confirmed it’s still damning nonetheless. 

How can I trust anything Squibbs has to say as a potential voter or supporter? Not only that, but he’s also gotten into his fair share of senseless online debates with celebrities such as Elon Musk, Dua Lipa, and even Hank Green of all people! He even started Twitter — sorry, I mean X — beef with me, posting “percy bartelt? more like percy FARTBELT AM I RIGHT???” Squibbs has no moral standpoint, he backs on his word and says one thing and means another. You cannot trust a word that man says. 

I find it both terrifying and amusing that he’s garnered a political following somehow, and I’m willing to bet that he’s just doing all of this for fun — something to laugh about when he’s older: an “I ran for President once!” sort of deal. And what’s terrifying… people are buying into his campaign! He’s almost doubled the expected voter turnout compared to his rivals, Trump and Biden. So, people actually believe his campaign, his promises to give every dog in America their own steak dinners, to befriend every mailman he sees and he wants to take over France for some reason? But that’s a whole different story. 

In the end, I fear for our future if and when we have our new Pres. Squibbs. Gods save America.