Abdimalik Mohamed, certified dude

Have you ever thought about head-butting someone? No, seriously, have you? Well, you’re in luck, on Monday, April 1 it was announced that Augsburg is starting a competitive head-butting team. The new sport was created due to outcry from students with big heads. One student who didn’t want to be named for obvious reasons said, “I have a big head and I don’t know what to do with it.” Competitive Head-Butting is the new wave as the kids like to say, it is something that has swept the nation in terms of coolness and the pride people get because of the welts and knots on their head. I find it wild that this “sport” is even a thing because it looks and feels stupid, but hey I don’t run the athletic department.

The sport first originated in a UCLA dorm room in the early 2000s and has since become a major thing at frat parties. Many students are lining up eagerly awaiting the ability to sign up for competitive headbutting because they have big heads and they need to put them to good use. The way to win at competitive headbutting according to the original rules are very simple: headbutt till you can’t anymore and be the last person standing. There have been viral clips of people getting concussed and collapsing on the ground. People take it as a badge of honor because it means they competed and they went for it. 

I think that this sport is beyond stupid and I don’t care what Augsburg thinks. That’s just my opinion and the reason why is because people with big heads need to find something better to do with their heads, like reading a book or running for office. But hey, I don’t control anything and people are allowed to do whatever they want. Augsburg is very committed to their athletic department and so they want to be on the forefront of any new sport, so I get why they would make this decision. 

I wonder if this sport will have a cross section between different sports at the school. Can football players join? Hockey players? What about soccer players? These are some of the questions that need to be answered by Augsburg Athletic Director Jeff Swenson before he officially steps down at the end of the 2024-25 school year. When this sport does actually take effect and the events start, I know one thing is for sure, I will be there for the spectacle, craziness, wackiness, dumbness, numbness, idiocy or whatever word you wanna use because I like to observe craziness and it will be crazy. Hopefully, big headed people really come to play and try to win this whole thing because if there’s one thing I know that drives people it’s pride.