Joke Issue 2018

Auggies take on hnuger


Matt Peckham, Goes Here


For those who have not visited the new Hagfors Center, it houses a new way to dine on campus. A quick glance down the second-story hallway will reveal students on the prowl for a study time snack. Yes, all the way from the CSBR greenhouses to the crumb-filled floors of Memorial, Auggies are hunting and gathering.

Paleo Ithic, a first-year student-hunter-gatherer-athlete, says, “Scavenging for food on-campus is both retro and modern. It couples the uncertainty of pre-agricultural society with the modern realities of a nationwide tuition debt balloon and poverty induced food insecurity.” He, like many other students, avoids the prices of Augsburg’s oligarchic food vendors by blowing poison darts at Einstein’s baristas to maim or scare them into abandoning the hoard of bagels and yogurt parfaits. When Ithic composts his parfait container, its nutrients will spread across trophic levels; another student who has run out of Flex Points will retrieve the cup to lick up the yogurt he missed. According to one such student-dumpster-diver who choose to remain anonymous, “This trash is better than my obligatory first-year meal plan.”

And that is only half the fun. Brooke Trout, an Environmental Studies major, claims, “I got into the on-campus, nomadic lifestyle because I was sick of not being able to make a difference environmentally. Now, I can hunt the Murphy Square squirrel population to extinction in minutes.” The Minneapolis Park Board Police have received a series of complaints about students such as Brooke who spear birds and gather pine cones at the park.

What was once thought to be raccoons tearing up the Luther garbage bins has been shown to be students gatherers. What began with students taking the self-serve tomatoes and lettuce from Nabo without buying a meal has become a facet of Augsburg life. Now, even President Pribnow is looking to amend the campus master plan to have the rain water pond stocked with walleye.

Lobbyists for on-campus hunting and gathering movement are pushing to have the university sign a century long contract with A’viands. According to written statement by Ben Benson, founder of the scavenging think tank Find Yourself Hunting, “Utensil-based weaponry would decrease significantly if students could afford to eat on campus. A price drop would ravish our movement.”

At press time, Auggie the Eagle is a synthetic wild rice soup broth that needs more salt.

This article first appeared in the Friday, April 6th Edition of The Echo.