Joke Issue 2019, News

Auggies discover Mort elevators teleports students straight to Hell, other places

Jessica Mendoza, Thinks Coffee is a Meal

It’s well known that students on our campus can get to any location within three minutes, but a recent breakdown of the Mort elevators revealed an unexpected change to this fact. After the 67.77th time the Mort elevators broke down this year, a first-year student pushed the button to the ground floor and walked out to find that they had been transported to a small town in Iowa.

Another student experienced something similar a week after the Iowa incident, although this individual who prefers to be called “the mist” was stuck in the elevator for six hours before it opened, and he realized the place he had arrived in was on fire. He realized this after throwing pieces of his clothing out the elevator that it wasn’t capable of burning. An automated voice that came from a source asked him if would prefer the song “Barbie Girl” or “Beethoven’s Symphony No. 5-9.” His lack of decision-making abilities resulted in a remix between both songs. “The mist” was unable to continue his interview but has since changed his major to music business.

Administration has assured the student body that they have been looking into the situation for answers as to why this is happening. One speculation they have is that Augsburg may have been the site of experiment to create a new source of energy that would help the school reach its green resolutions. Another possibility is that the collective stress of students has created a time/space warp which has made this type of transport possible. Although the investigation is still taking place, students have been assured that the elevators are safe for further use. This message was released a day before rumors of the Mort stairs being haunted began to surface.

This article was originally published in the April 5, 2019 issue.