Joke Issue 2019, Opinions

Campus Bathroom Reviews

Kristian Evans, Potty Trained

Campus bathrooms can be tricky. On one hand, they offer a brief escape from dull classes and the relief of pent-up piss. But not all campus bathrooms are created equal. As a service to the Augsburg community, I am happy to offer up my reviews on some number one (and number two) campus bathroom options.

Two Number 1’s:

Second floor of Lindell Library: The quiet, seldom used and private bathroom offers an isolated place to take care of business. The doors lock, and there is never a line out the door. If you place a value on being surrounded by such a depth of knowledge, perhaps you can simultaneously absorb the contents of the books around you while relieving yourself of unnecessary, burdensome inner content.

Third floor Hagfors: It’s almost unfair to review Hagfors bathroom against the rest of campus. It is the equivalent of letting Michael Jordan join an intramural team. To put it mildly, I will walk through the third-floor bathroom even if I have no need to use the bathroom. The metallic steel makes it feel as if I am walking around the “USS Enterprise.” Perhaps this explains why every business major I’ve ever met believes their shit doesn’t stink, but it might actually not because of these bathrooms.

One Number 2:

Third floor Science Hall: bonus points for the blue tiling that it simultaneously the worst interior design choice at Augsburg and also very calming. It checks out that a building named for the study of science that also features a large cross upon the entrance has some irony issues to work through. Speaking of working through, this hot mess of a bathroom offers very little in the realm of comfortable bathroom going, but alas.

This article was originally published in the April 5, 2019 issue.