Arts & Culture, Joke Issue 2019

After thirty years man finally escapes Memorial Hall

Michael Olderr, Call Me MO

Early in the morning, the quiet halls of Sverdrup were interrupted by a victorious cry coming from the Memorial Hall entrance. DPS was quickly called and were met with an elderly man in his fifties crying his eyes out and kissing the ground in the hallway. The man was identified as Tim Young, a former Augsburg Student and creative writing major who hasn’t been seen in over thirty years.

According to Young, he went to see his professor during his office hours back in 1986, but after meeting with his professor, as he was trying to leave, he could not find an exit. He tried going back the way he came but just ended up back in front of his professor’s door. No matter how hard he tried he could not find the exit of the building. He then spent several hours looking for exit, but soon he was forced to stay the night, then two nights, weeks, months then years of searching with no prevail.

He has reportedly survived by consuming coffee that was left on teachers desks. He spent most of his days walking through the hallways looking for an exit and would spend his night in any office that was unlocked for the night. Those nights were cold, but he was able to create makeshift blankets from multiple trash bags he would collect throughout his travels. He tried multiple times to make contact with the faculty, but they would give him bad directions, and he would be set back in his search for an exist. Despite all of the setbacks he never once believed that he would not make it out of Memorial Hall. “I only had 12 credits left,” said Tim. “I wasn’t about to give up.”

This article was originally published in the April 5, 2019 issue.