Kelton Holsen, Fashion Editor

On Thursday, March 28, something occurred at Augsburg that has never before been seen at the college in its 200-year history: a student organization meeting actually began at its scheduled time.

“It was incredible,” said Shanessa Gilmore, president of the Hilary Duff Appreciation Society. “6 p.m. rolled around, and we realized all the officers were there, the Powerpoint was up on the board and we had most of our membership in the room. So we started the meeting. It was surreal.”

Among the witnesses of the occurrence was Professor Mattathan Rodriguez, the club’s advisor who has been serving as a professor of pop music appreciation for the last 70 years. He says that in his time at Augsburg, he’s never seen anything like this meeting.

In an email to the student body on Friday, President Paul Pribbenow (better known to pro wrestling fans as The Academic), praised the Hilary Duff Appreciation Society as a model for leadership at Augsburg. “This extraordinary event reaffirms our institutional commitment to excellence through community,” said Pribbenow. “The Hilary Duff Appreciation Society has exceeded all expectations and cemented our reputation as an institution that sometimes runs on schedule. This is truly a historic moment for all of us.”

Some students, however, have disputed the claim that this event happened at all. “Look, you gotta examine the facts,” said ECHO co-editor-in-chief Ryan Moore from his bunker in the Foss basement. “It’s statistically impossible for all the officers of a student organization, as well as enough of its members to run a meeting, to arrive on time. This whole thing has been fabricated to give the Hilary Duff Appreciation Society a good reputation.” Ryan then pointed to several photographs on the wall connected by pieces of yarn on nails. “If you look carefully, there’s a huge conspiracy on this campus. The Christensen fire, the break-ins, the disappearance of mac and cheese bites at Nabo –– it’s all connected, and it all leads back to Hilary Duff.”

This article was originally published in the April 5, 2019 issue.