Taiwana Shambley, Professional Bad Bitch

Following the Philadelphia rapper’s long-running conflict with label owner DJ Drama, Little Oozi Vehicle came out of retirement to announce he is running for president. At least we think that’s what he said; he gave the announcement on his Instagram story using a line of cryptic business suit emojis, purple devil emojis and shrug faces.

Little Oozi Voldemort has long talked about his passion for changing the world. His “Luv is Rage” projects digs deep into his passion for using love to fight all the rage coming from the White House. “Little Vert, like Gerald,” Oozi raps on his song “For Real.” He says the “Gerald” he is referring to is former U.S. President Gerald Ford, his biggest idol. He’s also a strong advocate for living your best life. “Yeah,” he says on literally every track he’s on, is a deep, epic, superelastic, analogous, weatherproof, catastrophic, metamorphic metaphor for indulging in all forms of happiness.

Ultimately the biggest reason why Little Oozi Vampire is running for president is so he can dab in the White House. I interviewed Quavo from the Migos to get his thoughts on Oozi potentially bringing the dance his group catalyzed to the biggest stage in America. “I mean, it’s a win for the culture for sure,” Quavo mumbles as he fidgets with the 400-pound piano on his diamond chain. “I seen him dab before and he’s decent, needs to put a little more neck into it but he good. I’m just happy we get to say our President dabbed in the white house. SKRRRT!”

Oozi is joining a tight race headlined by pedophile Joe Biden and the whitest man to ever white man Bernie Sanders, but he’s confident he’ll win, especially with Rich the Kid as his Vice President.

This article was originally published in the April 5, 2019 issue.