Arts & Culture, Joke Issue 2019

Honors liberation front demands ban on academic freedom

Ryan Moore, has covered too many honors program stories

The infamous rogue honors students are once again up to their smarty pants tricks. This time they have barricaded themselves in the honors lounge refusing to come out until Augsburg administration completely bans academic freedom.

Sympathizers need not be concerned about these honors students running out of food as the honors lounge is fully stocked with snacks, even with the recent turmoil the program has been in. “Really, I’m surprised it took them this long to take this approach,” over-involved faculty member Bob Groven said. “They have food, water and all the past Honors Reviews to read to expand their minds with high-quality academic work.”

The students are seeking to prevent any Auggie from exercising their First Amendment rights. “At first we only wanted a learning environment where students from all backgrounds could be safe,” said honors president Winston Heckt while lounging on one of the couches in the honors lounge. “We then decided, hey, why not use this opportunity to eradicate the first amendment at Augsburg?”

“Ya know,” wrote Provost Karen Kaivola in yet another email to the honors program, “I really think we’re all finally starting to end up on the same page here. We’ve been trying to ban that pesky First Amendment for decades. If academic freedom (whatever that really is) is the price to pay, I guess that’s fine.”

“This is a good start,” Heckt said in a comment for The Echo. “Next on the chopping block: capitalism.”

When asked for a comment, English department chair Bob Cowgill simply tugged on his beard so hard tears streamed down his face.

This article was originally published in the April 5, 2019 issue.