Joke Issue 2019 Sports

Wrestling team’s Wilson twins actually just one person moving really fast


Kristian Evans, Thinks a Full-Nelson Is an Ice-Cream Order


National champions, Augsburg students and now, an anomaly of the space-time continuum. The “Echo” Conspiracy and Honesty Organization (ECHO) has uncovered evidence that the Wilson brothers, Aaron and Alex, are in fact one entity traveling at the speed of light.

The “two” individuals have starred for the university wrestling team since 2015 and have been a part of the continued success of the Augsburg wrestling team, winning a national championship this past season.

Only one problem: nobody has ever seen them in the same place before. After careful examination of social media presence and in-depth interviews with around three people, the conspiracy analyst team at the “Echo” has theorized that the twins are actually just one person moving rapidly between two points so as to appear to be separate beings.

“At first I thought it was like a Hermione Granger and the time turner situation from ‘Prisoner of Azkaban,’” said Ryan Moore, technically an Augsburg athlete. “But after watching ‘Interstellar’ three times and not sleeping for 44 hours, I think we are dealing with more of a fifth dimension of reality and a manipulation of the very make-up of the universe.”

It remains to be seen what the ramifications for the Augsburg athletic department will be as the NCAA rules on breaking the rules of temporal existence are unclear. Regardless, the team remains focused on next season.

When reached for comment about this groundbreaking discovery, members of the wrestling team declined to comment, asking instead for time to research the definitions of “temporal” and “anomaly.”

This article was originally published in the April 5, 2019 issue.