Features, Joke Issue 2019

Marijuana legalized on campus to achieve Green by 19 goal

Winston Heckt, Reefer Addict

With a surprise executive decision, President Paul Pribbenow declared, “Starting April 20th, all marijuana use will be permitted for adults above the legal age of 21 in designated smoking areas” in a final effort to make Augsburg Green by 2019. Back in 2007, when it was still a college, Augsburg became a charter signatory to the American College & University Presidents’ Climate Commitment (ACUPCC) and, in signing the document, President Pribbenow affirmed the institution’s long-standing commitment to sustainability.

Two years later Pribbenow created the Green by 19 committee and in 2010 the college set out to become carbon neutral by 2019. But the 2018 Environmental Stewardship Committee’s annual report declared, “This forward-thinking goal is still out of reach.” Not one to let a little carbon get in his way, President Pribbenow decided to think outside the box and make Augsburg green by 19 in another sense of the word. “Trading out carbon for cannabis wasn’t obvious at first,” said Pribbenow, “but one night while smoking a blunt atop Hagfors, it hit me. I wasn’t about to puff-puff-pass the buck on this Green by 19 initiative.”

The executive decision came as a shock to the university’s Department of Public Safety who called the decision unnecessary. “This campus has been the most dank private university in the state of Minnesota for decades,” said Scott Brownell, the Director of Public Safety and Risk Management. “I get reports of students smoking dope every day of the year. Legalization is merely a formality at this point.” When asked for comment, Provost Karen Kaivola said, “Formality or not, this is an opportunity for Augsburg to affirm our commitment to social justice and end the racially charged ban on bud.” Alongside legalized blazing, the university will expunge the records of all students and faculty found guilty of smoking grass.

This article was originally published in the April 5, 2019 issue.