Ashley Kronebusch, Centrist in Chief

Amy Klobuchar has won the Senate Annual Tournament hosted last Friday. This was Klobuchar’s fourth win, as well as the fourth time the tournament had only Klobuchar and her interns as competitors.

The night of the match was simply electric. Thousands gathered in the arena to cheer Klobuchar on, Democrats and Republicans alike. Health Partners, Land o’ Lakes and Medtronic each had huge banners made, cheering on her moderate but strong boxing style. A small crowd gathered outside protesting the event as “barbaric” and “absurd,” but they were quickly overpowered by law enforcement.

Klobuchar entered the ring to cheers of “We like things how they are!” Klobuchar lifted up the championship belt, embellished with gold letters of “STATUS QUO.” Her intern, Steve Guy, entered the ring to rampant booing, his cry of “I don’t even want to be here!” was almost completely drowned out. The fans were here for one thing and one thing only: action.

Klobuchar opened the match with a right hook to Guy followed by two quick jabs, all connecting. Guy put up a feeble defense, crying out, “I just wanted to learn about policy!” before taking a hard haymaker to the jaw. Guy regained his composure, but Klobuchar answered by swiping at him with her comb, still covered in salad. Within 30 seconds, Guy was knocked out cold. His health insurance bill is still unknown.

After the match, Klobuchar said, “My strategy was to lull my opponent into a false sense of security. Kids these days care about wanting ‘a better world,’ and they’ll trust you if you can say some progressive buzzwords. That way, they won’t expect it when you knock them out by signing legislation that maintains the status quo.”

This article was originally published in the April 5, 2019 issue.