Features

Horoscopes: “Hey folks so how are you all handling midterms—”


Boluwatife Kuku, Contributor


 

Aries- “I need to study hard–one good grade is one step closer to ABOLISHING THE PATRIARCHY”

Taurus- “C’mon gang, we’re getting this project done by tonight! We’ll stay up until 3 AM if we have to! NO REST FOR THE PROCRASTINATORS”

Gemini- “Hey, did you know that a single sporangium of Pilobolus crystallinus can reach 20 kilometers per hour in under 2 microseconds? That’s because it’s important for its water launched spores to get away from the rabbit poo and-”

Cancer- “I got this. I can do this. I remember this! The mitochondria is the…nononono WHY AM I BLANKING OUT ALREADY I JUST READ THIS”

Leo- “Post Midterm party at my place tonight! IT’S ABOUT TO GET LIT FAM”

Virgo- “Okay so I got my pre-lecture notes, my lecture notes, my post-lecture notes, my group study notes, my independent study notes, my vocab notes, my key concepts notes, my-”

Libra- “I wish I could study with you, but I gotta get to my dance rehearsal and debate club and drama rehearsal and art club meeting. Oh, and my research group is meeting me in 3 minutes!”

Scorpio- *stares ominously from the corner of the library*

Sagittarius- “BOLD OF YOU TO ASSUME I STUDIED AT ALL, LMAO”

Capricorn- *pours coffee and gatorade into the same cup, then chugs it* “sLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK”

Aquarius- “Speaking of the patriarchy, my midterm thesis is about how midterm theses actually contribute to heteronormative privlege! Wanna proofread?”

Pices- “I know the whole class by the back of my hand! I even tutor others! So if I still get a bad grade on this midterm I’m actually going tO FREAKING-”

 

This article was originally published in the November 8, 2019 issue.

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