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ADSG Passes Resolution Banning Coronavirus

Kelton Holsen, Annoying English Major

After weeks of closures, shutdowns and social distancing, Augsburg Day Student Government (ADSG) has passed a resolution seeking to ban the COVID-19 virus (also known as “The Coronavirus”, also known as “The Rona”) from Augsburg and to resist its presence worldwide.

  The resolution, which is addressed to authority figures all the way from Augsburg administrators such as Augsburg President Pribbenow, Dean of Students Sarah Griesse and Campus Life director Mike Grewe up to global figures such as various deities, U.S. President Donald Trump and Campus Life director Mike Grewe, “condemns the COVID-19 virus, along with all viruses that infect humans or other organisms, and demands that it stay away from Augsburg.” 

According to the resolution, COVID-19 “has killed thousands worldwide and, worse, has resulted in the cancellation of ADSG’s annual trip to Fogo de Chao.” Due to the severity of the threat, ADSG has acted relatively quickly, passing the resolution in as little as three weeks, during which the resolution was examined by the Student Concerns Committee, the Environmental Action Committee, the newly formed COVID-19 Response Committee and the Committee on Committees. 

On Wednesday, April 1st, the resolution was formally presented before ADSG, where it passed after an hour of intense debate with 14 members voting “yes”, one member voting “no”, and one abstaining. At press time, the Echo has been unable to verify the identity of the student senator who voted “no” because ADSG has not posted their meeting minutes online since the last time that the Echo asked them to. ADSG has refused to comment on which senator voted “no”; however, several ADSG members have made contradictory suggestions about who it was on social media, mostly pointing fingers at whoever they’re running against in the next election.

In addition to banning the coronavirus from Augsburg’s campus, the resolution also enacts several measures that reinforce the priorities of Augsburg Day Student Government, including banning all respiratory masks not made of eco-friendly materials and cutting ASAC’s stipends again. It also strongly urged the Augsburg administration to continue doing several things that they were already doing. 

As of press time, the COVID-19 virus has yet to respond to ADSG’s resolution, but Michael Olderr, this week’s ADSG secretary, says he’s optimistic. “When ADSG passes a resolution, it demonstrates that we recognize a problem, and that we feel very strongly that someone ought to do something about it,” he said while rifling through the ADSG candy desk and coughing loudly. “Democracy demands nothing less.”

Prior to this resolution, ADSG has passed several other resolutions, including recognizing the existence of multiple holidays, extending the time for Augsburg to become carbon-neutral by 11 years and banning the predatory marketing company Vector Marketing from campus (although the latter resolution was not written by a member of ADSG). 

Once the resolution goes into effect, students are expected to be able to return to campus, confident that the Coronavirus will no longer be allowed to set pseudopod on Augsburg property. The Echo’s sports writers will have something to write about again, A’viands will once again give up on sanitary food service, and student organizations will once again be free to host events using the $0 remaining in all ADSG grant funds. As of press time, however, you still are able to go to class in your pajamas.

 

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