Residence Life Offers Refunds to Urness Mice

by Danny Reinan, Gaffe Writer

In the aftermath of the COVID-19 virus, many students have been scrambling to find new housing arrangements. After Amanda Erdman, Director of Residence Life at Augsburg University, issued a statement requesting that residential students pursue off-campus housing unless they are unable to do so for financial or safety reasons, many students left their residence halls, and some sought out partial refunds for their housing costs. While many of these refunds are still pending and being evaluated on a case-by-case basis, one set of refunds was carried out in full: All mice living in Urness Hall have been given the opportunity to receive refunds for their housing costs.

“The mice have become an important facet of our institution,” said a representative from the Residence Life Department. “It’s why they’ve remained in our Residence Halls for so long. I can’t picture our campus without mice, and I think that our human residents feel the same – why else would they shriek with excitement whenever they find them in their rooms?” This representative felt that the ubiquity of mice on campus necessitated that we treat them with the same level of care in the aftermath of the virus. 

Unfortunately, communication with some of the mice has been muddled. “I offered a check to one of the mice living on the first floor of Urness,” said a representative from the Residence Life Department. “He nibbled on the corner of it and then scampered away.” 

The Residence Life Department seems relatively unconcerned about the communication barriers. “The entire Augsburg community is being inundated with emails and is overwhelmed by the chaos brought on by the pandemic,” said another representative. “Confusion is normal. I’m sure that, once institutional affairs have settled into some semblance of normalcy, our friends in the mouse community will accept their refunds in full.”

“A mouse I’ve been discussing housing refunds with didn’t want to accept cash, but was very excited when I offered him some saltine cracker crumbs,” said another representative. “It will take a considerable amount of crumbs to equal the cost of living in Urness Hall, but I will amass as many as it takes to do right by our residents.”

The Residence Life Department wants to make sure that all mice who are in the process of moving out are aware that they are free to make use of Augsburg’s Emergency Student Fund if they have any need for peanut butter, seeds, or very small laptops. “There should be no barriers for any members of Augsburg to get the resources that they need,” said Residence Life in an official statement 

“Here at Augsburg, we’re all about breaking down boundaries and treating all individuals with the respect they deserve,” said a representative from the Residence Life Department. “Our decision to offer housing refunds to mice falls in line with our institution’s historical support of the mouse community, who have often been neglected at other institutions. We will continue to embrace our furred friends in the advent of this crisis, and hope that they will continue to be a staple on our campus.”