Christa Kelly, conspiracy editor

A student has been charged with GTA (Grand Theft A’viands) after racking up a debt of approximately $1.4 million due to stolen lunches.

“He just… kept stealing food. Everyday. Just walked right on through,” said one of the student cashiers. “What were we supposed to do? We don’t get paid enough for this.”

The student allegedly has no meal plan, but has been eating lunch in the commons everyday all year.

“Gang gang” was the student’s only response to the allegations.

“Honestly, it works out really well,” said a representative for the dining services. “That’s about how much we owe Augsburg in the lawsuit. This can be a fallback plan if our other secret plan doesn’t work out.”

Sources reveal that the ‘secret plan’ was the food suppliers’ decision to change their name from A’viands to Augsburg Dining Services.

“The lawsuit is against A’viands,” the source said, tapping his head. “There’s no A’viands anymore. What are they gonna do? Sue someone with their own name?”