A&E

Augsburg Finds Lost 1.7 Million Dollars Under Couch Cushion

Michael Olderr, Layout Editor

Everyone has had the experience of leaving something behind. A phone, a wallet, 1.7 million dollars–these things tend to wander off. And if we are lucky enough, some of the stuff we lose will come back to us if we only believe hard enough. So on Monday, everyone’s wishes came true as it was announced that Augsburg had recovered the 1.7 million dollars which had been thought lost, as previously reported by the Echo. To their surprise, it was under a seat cushion.

 Earlier this month, Augsburg lost 1.7 million dollars in school funds, due to a mishandling of t1-84 calculators which President Pribbenow doesn’t think we should call an accounting error. The series of events that led up to this has widely been considered a bad move; however, on Monday, President Paul Pribbenow made the announcement during the staff all-feets-aboard meeting. “It’s with great pride that I announce that we can keep this school running,” the president declared. He promised to keep the bag safe and secure in the comfort of his home “to avoid any further mishandling with the money.” 

The money was recovered Friday evening after some custodial staffers made one last sweep on campus before heading into quarantine. When going through Christensen, one custodial worker stopped to take a break in the Auggie room and noticed a slight discomfort sitting in the cushion. First, thinking the discomfort of the coach was only due to the quality of the stuffing, he paid it no mind. But then he noticed that one side of the coach was much lumpier than the other, so he decided to have a look. When it was turned over it turned out to be a big sack of money with an Augsburg logo stamped on it, which he quickly turned in to his supervisor. 

After a 48-hour inspection, it was determined to be in fact money which originated from the giant bank vault where Augsburg administrators occasionally go swimming. “It was a wonder that I even found it” one of the custodial workers said, adding that it was by far the best thing they had ever cleaned up from the underside of a couch. The president didn’t clarify why the money was under a couch, or why it was entirely in dimes, but he assured the rest of the staff members that it was a sign that things were finally on the right track for the university. 

To celebrate the recovered lost funds, President Pribbenow announced that he would give himself yet another raise.

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