Joke Issue 2023

Slay Your Schooling With the Department of Pretty-ology

Luís Escobar, needs more money

Being pretty is so difficult these days. Sitting in your room, admiring every aspect of yourself in the mirror. There’s so much work that goes into it on top of being a full time student here at Augsburg. Have you ever thought to yourself, “I should be getting some type of credit for this”? With the newest department of Pretty-ology, now you can!

Some of the department’s classes include “Baddies on a Budget,” “Borrowing Your Drip” and “Promo that Venmo.” Classes will also cover the stress and weight that comes with being Aphrodite’s rival and slaying harder than T-Swift. Every student who is a part of the department will get a stipend for the following purposes: eye bag removal, DoorDash orders, silk pillow cases and more. There have been rumors of offering free HRT and cosmetic surgeries to students as well, so they can reach their ultimate sexy potential. The office of President Pribbenow declined to confirm, but there reportedly has been an increase in the department’s funding. To all you gender nonconforming baddies, stay in the loop.

Professors who want to teach Pretty-ology courses are being evaluated on many criteria: (stage) presence, confidence and weekly DoorDash orders. It’s important that they not only know what they’re talking about but are able to relate to the struggles voiced by students and offer them the best advice to be a pretty person with minimal stress.

Augsburg created this department to satisfy the needs of many students by addressing the difficulties that come with being pretty. Especially in today’s day and age when terms like “pretty privilege” and “conventionally attractive” are being thrown around by everyone, and many students feel underrepresented and attacked. There had to be a department to address so many issues like these and ensure that our pretty students were feeling represented and heard across campus. 

The department will also offer a place of community for other hot and sexy people to stand together in solidarity. One student (who wished to remain anonymous to not feel swamped by attention for once) spoke about how this community is going to be life-changing for them.

“As a pretty person, I am always so scared. Every day, I wake up stressed that I’ll be the only pretty person in the room,” said the student. “Now I know that in my new Pretty-ology classes, I will just be the prettiest person in a room of pretty people.”

The department was only made a few weeks ago with approval by Student Council and administration. In a rare personal interview, President Pribbenow commented on how the addition of the department was the logical next step for the university.

“After hearing the cries of so many distressed students, it only made sense to funnel as much money as possible into the new program,” stated President Pribbenow. 

This totally real and slay department is something worth checking out, just be sure to bow down to every student who walks by you. Maybe toss them some cash. Actually just give us your wallet — that would really make our existence so much easier. Live out your bimbo dreams!!!