Olivia Allery, tea spiller

Since the news of Augsburg’s move to a five school model, recent buzzings from Administration and the Board of Regents suggest that this change is not innovative enough for Augsburg. Instead, another announcement has been made that Augsburg will be moving to a Four House Model, modeled after the Hogwarts School of Magic.

According to President Paul Pribbenow in a quote to the Echo, “Throughout the entire Harry Potter franchise, you can see the great success of Hogwarts as a school, and how it has turned out some of the world’s most powerful and successful wizards.” Pribbenow continued by saying, “We want to make the best decision for our students and the university, and I think this new Four House Model will make Augsburg a real academic weapon for any dark magic that may befall this institution.”

Pribbenow continued to explain that the four house model will be translated almost directly from Hogwarts houses of Gryffindor, Slytherin, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. However, the four houses of Augsburg will be the House of Sven, House of Percy, House of Pauly and House of Weenaas, after some of Augsburg’s most notable figures. 

According to Pribbenow, the Four House Model has specific guidelines each institution must follow. Such as, all houses will require students to wear their designated house cloak and chain mail with their house crest and colors showing at all times, picked by the institution. 

These crests and colors include baby vomit green with the crest seal of Augsburg’s first president, August Weenaas, for the House of Weenaas. For the House of Percy, nice autumn sunrise with the crest seal of an angry bisexual with a nose ring. For the House of Pauly, salmon pink with the crest of a bowtie. Finally, for the house of Sven, reindeer brown with the crest of Sven the reindeer himself.

Pribbenow continued to elaborate further on how the sorting process will be done for incoming students. “It’s a pretty rigorous sorting process,” stated Pribbenow. “There are multiple Buzzfeed and personality quizzes that must be completed, an obstacle course, and a recitation of each house’s code of honor.” Pribbenow assured that an Augsburg inspired version of the sorting hat will make the official house assignment at the Fall Incoming Student Feast.

One guideline in particular has been met with some backlash from Administration and the Board of Regents, fearing that it conflicts with Augsburg’s mission statement. This guideline being, one house must be the designated “evil” house and have beef with at least one if not all other houses. 

“In my opinion, I think all the guidelines are necessary,” explained Pribbenow. “I think this model will add to our sense of community for students, and generate a whole new type of Augsburg culture.”