D’Artagnan Johnson, just some guy

In a heartbreaking event last Monday, March 25, at the Zara Military Academy (Zara, Mars), the United States Marines and the United States Space Force clashed in the first interplanetary football game. What started as a friendly competition quickly escalated into a cosmic hell. 

The match, dubbed the “first interstellar sports game,” drew a crowd of over 10,000 spectators. Some famous faces from Earth made appearances, such as Elon Musk, who is currently working on his SpaceX trip to the center of the Earth. Musk invited the Echo’s own Percy Fartbelt to watch the game from his box, with Percy remarking that he’s “actually not that bad of a guy if you get to know him.” 

From the start of the game, it was evident that this match would be perilous due to the interplanetary war with Spain. With the Martian terrain and lower gravitational pull adding a different atmosphere to the game, both teams had to readapt their strategies and equipment. The Marines, known for being the jocks, clashed head-on with the Space Force, who brought their cutting-edge technology of cheerleader attractant to the field. As the game progressed, tensions ran high, and the score was tied heading into the final quarter. 

But just when it seemed like the game was over, the unthinkable happened. In a flash of light from the sky, one by one the Marines started transforming into Taylor Swift fans. Chaos erupted as everyone grappled with what Spain did. The Marines, now all wearing concert apparel, streaked across the field with a flurry of fists. All of a sudden, they all clamored to check the football scores back on earth. With their quick lapse in judgment, security scrambled to end the chaos by waving fake money and nut goodie bars, a delicacy in Minnesota, while the military speculated about the cause of the metamorphosis. 

Amidst the chaos the game ground to a halt and it soon became apparent that they meant no harm. In a gesture of sportsmanship, the game was set to a tie. Questions still remain about the nature of Spain’s intent. Is this due to the rumors that Travis Kelce is a Russian spy who is trying to establish a new intergalactic war with the dictatorship of Spain in the East? One thing is for certain: the interstellar game will go down in history as a testament to the unifying power of cult mentality.

Unfortunately, the next Space Force academy game at the coast guard has been postponed due to their home field, originally stationed on the Black Pearl oil rig, being heavily damaged in a bout with the kraken. If the Marines are able to transform back into their usual jock selves, they will be set to face off against their bitter rival, the Navy. The Navy has also moved their home turf to open waters. They play their home games on the S.S. Shenanigan, home to the only aircraft carrier with a football field.