Elliot Hilden, nepo sibling

Dear Augsburg populous, 

I’m bored. Every day I go to the inbox and every day I am bombarded with the same basic questions over and over and over again. Where’s your creativity? There are so many questions in the world and no one is asking the right ones! Thus, I have decided to grace you with what I like to call the FAQs: Frankly, Awful Questions. 

I’m still undecided but I have to declare my major soon. How do I pick? Choosing a college major can be such a stressful time for many students. There are many schools of thought on the best way to make this life-defining decision, but in my opinion, no one is really getting it right. The actual best way to decide your major is to get a dart board, put different major options all over the board and go to town. Let fate be your guide, there’s no way it can go wrong!

My friends hate my taste in music! What should I do? Well, my advice really depends on context here. Does your music taste actually suck? If it’s bad music, then your friends are right and you should just get better taste. Unless your music taste is Taylor Swift. In that case your friends are wrong and you should abandon them immediately. It may hurt now, but you’ll learn to “Shake It Off.” 

I feel so lonely here. How do I make friends in college? Making friends can be the “white whale” for many college students. Everywhere you turn it seems like everyone already has their groups and there’s no way to break into them. Luckily for you, I have the PERFECT friend for you. Our very own Opinions Editor Percy Fartbelt! Please, someone befriend the poor lad, he’s so, so lonely. 

I really like this guy/girl/person/car dealership inflatable man. How can I get them to notice me? First of all, are you sure you want their attention? Really, them? Okay, I guess I can’t talk you out of this. My best advice, at least while choking back the vomit, is to be yourself. The best way to get attention from anyone is to be confident and know yourself. It seems cliche, but — no, it is. 

I failed my recent [insert class] test. What can I do to get back on track? Well this one seems obvious to me. Drop out. Clearly, if you can fail one test, you aren’t cut out for college. Maybe it’s time to learn a trade or become an influencer. 

So there you have it, folks. I hope this is a lesson to you all about what NOT to ask in the future. Might want to call this one “Sleeping M-Ask Elliot” because it was a real snoozefest. Now, if you will excuse me, I must tend to something much more worth my time. 

Google is free,

Elliot