Christine Horner, definitely very neurotypical

In an unanticipated turn of events, Satan recently made an appearance at Augsburg’s campus. He and a few hundred of his devoted followers gathered in Hoversten chapel earlier this month for his very first convocation at Augsburg. 

Needless to say, this event was met with overwhelming opposition. After all, this is The Devil we’re talking about. He does have a reputation for being conniving, ruthless and bloodthirsty. However, my curiosity got the better of me, so I attended this event to see what all the fuss was about.

Ironically, Satan’s convocation topic was “Building Community During Trying Times,” and he actually did adhere to this message throughout his speech. He was confident and articulate as he spoke about how important it is to cherish each other’s company and to listen to anyone and everyone openly despite our differences. He especially stunned the audience with his grace and eloquence as he discussed the Seven Fundamental Tenets of The Satanic Temple. The tenet that stood out to me the most was the first, which states, “One should strive to act with compassion and empathy toward all creatures in accordance with reason.” This is quite the sentiment for a Hell-residing demon. 

What stunned me even more than that tenet was the delicious concessions provided in the Chapel! The roasted sacrificial goat skewers with a spicy garlic sauce were incredible, and they paired perfectly with the cherry Kool-Aid. After a few sips, I strangely felt myself more inclined to give Satan a chance. Sure, he’s technically evil, but he was an angel at one point — an archangel to be exact. And yeah, he got kicked out of heaven for trying to dethrone God, but everyone makes mistakes. 

At the concession table, I ran into the Echo’s own Percy Fartbelt, long-time member of The Satanic Temple and founder and president of Augsburg’s Satanists Club. He explained to me the importance of this event, “This is huge. I can’t think of anyone as big as The Dark Lord himself coming all the way up from Hell to visit little ol’ Augsburg. I mean, he’s the G.O.A.T. Literally. Have you seen his hooves? Unreal. Also, the Satanists Club has been working on organizing this event for a few semesters, so it’s been a long time coming.” Fartbelt also responded to controversy surrounding the event, “Folks should give The Devil a chance. He’s not a bad guy — he’s just misunderstood.” When I asked him about the backlash surrounding the on-campus presence of his demonic club, he responded, “We’re not a cult.” I don’t remember bringing up cult accusations, but the clarification was appreciated nonetheless.

Once I’d finished my second Kool-Aid, I felt woozy for some reason, so I made my way to the exit. Some of Satan’s followers were kind enough to walk me to my car, but I blacked out before we got to the parking lot. I woke up at home with fresh wounds on each of my palms, which is kind of weird because I don’t remember cutting them on anything. Regardless, I thoroughly enjoyed my time at The Dark Lord’s convocation and I cherish the memories I made there. I look forward to seeing The Devil again the next time he’s on my shoulder.