Joke Issue 2018

A’viands Pleased to Stop Careing After Renewgni Contract


Winston Heckt, Film Hoe


With their contract renewed for another five years, A’viands is excited to stop putting in effort. “You can expect a lot more hot dogs and repurposed leftovers,” said Executive Chef Todd Summers. “Now that our jobs are secure for the next few years, we’re all happy to step down the quality of our campus dining services.”

This drop in effort comes after A’viands ramped up the quality of their food to impress Augsburg students and faculty into renewing their contract with the University which was set to expire after this year. Along with changes in food quality, students can expect diminished hours of service and simplified menus. Einstein Bros. Bagels will now serve only decaf Neighborhood Blend coffee and plain bagels, and the menu at Nabo will have much less fried food and a lot more gas-station-grade sushi. The Commons staff has put the panini press back into storage until the next time contracts are up. Going forward, vegetables will be even more over-cooked, if that’s even possible.

Excitement over the change in A’viands’ efforts is also being felt in the Department of Residence Life who hope the lowered food quality will result in fewer mice living on campus. When pressed for a comment, Residence Life Director Amanda Erdman said, “If the dip in food quality doesn’t scare off the mice, we might start selling them housing contracts. Then again, that might not be the worst thing in the world.”

Not everything concerning campus dining is declining, however. Meal plan rates for the 2018-2019 academic year are increasing substantially to accommodate Residence Life’s recent decision to increase the pay of Resident Advisors from peanuts to the bare minimum allowed by law.

One group on campus that has yet to buy into all the hype are the students.“The number one factor in my decision to come to Augsburg was the amazing food I ate when I toured campus,” said resident Lukas Olson. “With the food quality going down, I may just transfer schools.” Other students did not feel as strong about the change. “The food quality went down? I hadn’t noticed,” responded resident and statistician Jen Kochaver.

This article first appeared in the Friday, April 6th Edition of The Echo.