Joke Issue 2018

Brave: Deparment of Public Safety Goes the Distance


Lauren Tabor, DPS #1 Fan


I learned the hard way what happens when you get your car stuck in the snow on Augsburg Seminary property. For those of you that don’t know, the Department of Public Safety can’t and won’t assist you when there’s absolutely no way you’re getting unstuck out of all the mountains of snow. There’s so much snow

With all the snow, every commuter knows that their trip to campus might take double the time it normally would some days. They plan accordingly by leaving earlier, driving more carefully and by hopefully parking in their respective parking areas (and I see you people parking in commuter spots without the pass, and I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed).

I don’t even blame Augsburg for not shoveling out the parking lots. I’m not even mad that nobody can figure out how to park without taking up multiple spots. I know that I’m responsible for myself and my own driving, but when I get stuck in the snow and I can’t get out, it would be reasonable that I might need to ask for a little bit of help getting out.

Here I am, stuck in a pile of snow, already running out of time to get to class, and I think what any student might think when nobody else is around: call DPS. I’m thinking, “Department of Public Safety. I am a part of the public. I need to be safe. They will help me, a member of the public, to be safe and not stuck in a pile of snow.”

And help me they did. When I called the DPS phone number, and after being on hold for several minutes, knee-deep in snow, I was greeted promptly and matter-of-factly by a person informing me that they would not be sending anyone to dig me out because it would be a “liability.” These brave individuals did what no one else could ­ — they helped me. Without them, I wouldn’t have known about Augsburg’s commitment to keeping their students safe, sound and informed about their liability policies.

You might be asking, “Lauren, how is it more of a liability to push someone’s car out of the snow than it is to have someone’s car stuck in the middle of the road?” or, “Lauren, how can that really be the policy when someone’s car gets stuck in a city where it snows for three out of the four seasons?” or, “Lauren, did you ever get your car out of the snow?” and I might ask you, “How do you all know my name?”

With this new information, may all of us venture into this cold, ruthless, Minnesota spring confident in our abilities to adapt to the changes in weather, and find comfort in the fact that the good folks down at DPS will always help when help is needed.

This article first appeared in the Friday, April 6th Edition of The Echo.