Breaking News: Marijuana is actally illegal

Carson Hughes, As Himself

For many Augsburg students, Dec. 11, 2017 is a day that will live in infamy. The student body received a sudden shock when Residence Life Director Amanda Erdman announced over email that “unfortunately there has been on going use of marijuana in our residence halls. This is not only against many campus policies, it is also against the law… It must STOP.”

This news, that marijuana (more commonly known as pot, weed, kush, wacky tobaccy, curley wurley, sticky-icky-icky, devil’s lettuce, jazz cabbage and boner soup) was against the law, came seemingly without warning, leading The Echo Editor-in-Chief Ryan Moore to assemble an investigative task force to look into these claims. After four months of hard Googling, the team has confirmed that reefer had been criminalized just recently in 1937.

Though the recent policy of doobie being illegal surprised many on the Augsburg campus, Residence Life says that it is well prepared to handle this issue. “We are instituting a number of new policies to keep this campus spliff-free,” said Resident Advisor Winston Heckt. “RAs are expected to decorate the resident hall poster boards to inform students that Mary Jane is, in fact, illegal. We’ve also made it mandatory that residents cannot be seen with doobage on their person. As long as it’s kept out of sight, we RAs won’t come after you since we don’t want to be the bad guy here. Finally, if a student is caught with chronic, they will receive a harsh penalty of being reminded that ‘we’re all adults here so act like one.’”

Student reactions to bud being outlawed on campus have been mixed. Mary Jane, a first-year Urness resident, expressed her intent to comply with the new rules. “If I had thought for a minute that smoking hash was against the rules, of course I wouldn’t have done it,” said Jane with her fingers crossed behind her back. However, other students are still confused about the guidelines. “I understand that smoking the cheech-and-chong isn’t ok, but what about pot brownies?” asked Matthew Peckham. “If that’s not cool, I might need to clear some things out of my fridge.”

This article first appeared in the Friday, April 6th Edition of The Echo