Joke Issue 2018

Augsburg seals the dael for Kirk Cousins


Jackson Gerber, not affiliated with any Gerber Baby products


New Minnesota Vikings quarterback Kirk Cousins just signed the biggest contract in NFL history. Most people believe that it was because of the fully guaranteed 90 million-dollar contract, the new practice facility, U.S. Bank stadium, the insane fans or even because the number-one defense belongs to the Vikings. That’s what the media wants you to think.

Cousins made a visit to Minneapolis in the early days of Super Bowl week back in February. After the Washington (name left out because it is racist) traded for another quarterback, it was clear that they were moving on. Like most professional athletes, Cousins finds places to workout. That’s how he stumbled across Augsburg’s state-of-the-art dome. After a throwing session that included members from the Augsburg football team, Cousins stayed for the photo op with many people and left for the Super Bowl festivities. But Augsburg would keep a lasting impression on our new quarterback.

In a closed media session, Cousins noted how important Augsburg was in his decision to join the Minnesota Vikings. “I loved the small-town vibes in the big city,” stated Cousins. “The people here were second to none, and I really felt they cared about my wellbeing as a person and embraced the inclusive environment that I was looking for.” He also liked the “small for our students, big for the world” motto that has become a staple for the Augsburg community.

One notable Augsburg alum, USB, tweeted after the signing: “Yeah, we tryna get that ring it’s lit lol #skol.” Kirk has yet to say whether he will pursue any further communication and action with the Augsburg community but hopes are high for the Vikings future. SKOL.

This article first appeared in the Friday, April 6th Edition of The Echo