Joke Issue 2018

Pre-workout shrtage continues


Ben Stark, Cereal Enthusiast


Two weeks into the largest pre-workout shortage in history, another major dating app has gone belly-up. Bumble, the dating app where women rule, announced in a press release to stockholders that the app will be shutting down early next week. The company cited a lack of shirtless men and mirror selfies as a major factor in the decision. This breaking development is just one of many headaches the shortage caused.

Many smaller niche apps have also shut down their servers. While this has driven more users towards Tinder, a spokesperson for the company reported a serious drop in overall matches for their users categorized as “stud performers.” It is undeniable: casual dating apps are a part of our culture. The shortage will have a lasting impact on our idea of beauty. The collapse of muscular shirtless selfies has reduced competition for other men. Chip Slater, a freshman at Augsburg, has reportedly benefited from the shortage.

“I added a shirtless picture of me and my tattoos. Easily saw a 10-15% increase in matches,” he said.

The football team is one of Augsburg’s hardest hit populations. Pre-workout supplements were a staple in the team’s diet. Unfortunately, no one on the team knows how to replace them.

“There’s tons of stuff in it like caffeine, B-vitamins, creatine, yeah I don’t really know what’s in it…but the stuff works,” team member Matt Kreye explained to me.

Many women have complained vocally and on social media about the crisis. Most of the complaints concerned timing. April in Minnesota has historically seen increases in gym use as members gear up for summer. With Minnesota’s fishing opener approaching on May 13, the clock is ticking.

Kate Ellison, graduating senior, is disappointed with the aesthetics of her Tinder matches. According to Ellison, the problem wouldn’t be solved even if the shortage ended tomorrow.

“Most men can’t make up for lost time before summer. I’m just holding out hope for a fresh batch of men with fish photos next month,” she said.

A recent FDA report confirmed the origin of the shortage: the upcoming “Jersey Shore” reunion season. After the season’s first episode received astonishing praise on Twitter, government officials are considering all options in order to deal with the crisis. Even celebrity stockpiles of pre-workout have been depleted. Hollywood executives have made pleas to the White House for support. If the U.S. government began rationing the supplements, it would be the first ration since the abolition of the sugar stamp in 1947.

This article first appeared in the Friday, April 6th Edition of The Echo