Abigail Tetzlaff, Avid Twitter User

After many deliberations spanning two years, faculty senate has decided that there are just too many faculty committees at Augsburg. The faculty senate has appointed a select few to a new committee, the Committee Review And Purge Committee (hereafter, CRAP Committee) and will soon start assessing the usefulness of all committees maintained by departments and the administration.

The CRAP Commitee plans to conduct their investigations in two stages. First, the committee will ask faculty and staff within every group to compose language proving that the committee and its functions are, in fact, vital. Then, the committee under investigation must appear for a night-time trial in the CSBR’s basement. After the group pleads their case, the CRAP Committee will make a final, irrevocable decision. No take-backsies.

If a committee is determined unfit to continue, those in the immediate vicinity upon hearing the verdict must stand up, point and laugh at the members defending the defunct committee. This is mandatory. The results of each hearing will be posted to the A-Mail for everyone to see.

The trial chamber in the basement of the CSBR is a formidable place. Grey and cemented like the rest of the building, there stands a tall bench where the CRAP Committee sits, peering down onto the members of faculty.

When asked about the expense of the room within the newly-built CSBR, President Paul Pribbenow responded in an email,

The appointed members of the CRAP Committee will be announced sometime in the next month. Because the activities of this committee require a 40-hour commitment each week, selected faculty are only asked to teach two classes until the CRAP Committee has finished their deliberations on all other committees.

This article first appeared in the Friday, April 6th Edition of The Echo