Joke Issue 2018

Plans for new residnce hall sure to sink us financially


Jeremy Hallowanger, Nice Man


Say goodbye to Mortensen Hall, Urness Hall and all those pesky rats. The University is in preparation to renovate the dorms this summer. The 100 million-dollar Fingir dorm will be the largest building on campus. Construction will begin in June. The project is expected to be completed at the end of December.

This is not your average college dormitory. In fact, it is state-of-the-art. No college or university in the metro area will be able to compete. The new dormitory will be able to house 500 students. Inspiration behind the design is “home away from home.” The goal is to keep students here on campus in order to spend more time doing Augsburg activities.

As in any residence hall, laundry rooms and bike racks will be offered. From there, the perks just keep coming. There will be a 40-seat movie theater so students can keep up with Hollywood blockbusters. An arcade will be provided to allow residents to blow off steam.

Relaxation is a key component in these luxurious living spaces. There will be a 24-hour kitchen with world-class chefs for those pulling a classic all-nighter. A stress-free room is also in the works, where students can go to receive massages, to play with stress balls, to eat junk food and to get serenaded. There will also be provided studio space for yoga, pilates and tai chi. To accommodate Augsburg’s resident pets, there will be an outdoor pet play area.

Along with the Hagfors Center, Augsburg continues to improve student quality of life. For those that live in Fingir residence hall, life will be a dream. And I should mention, the Augsburg mice highly approve.

This article first appeared in the Friday, April 6th Edition of The Echo.