Sarah Burke, lady longlegs

Augsburg University has now opened an official Venmo and CashApp account after taking a serious look at their post pandemic debt. These digital contributions will be going towards operational expenses. After a staff meeting last Thursday night, Augsburg’s Financial Board has decided to take some unorthodox steps to meet their donation goals. The Augsburg Financial Board president, Tay Kincash, says that modern times require modern solutions.

“We’re all in this together. If every staff member, student, and alumni gives up their morning coffee for a few weeks or contributes just 50% of their projected paycheck, we can reach this goal,” Kincash tells the Echo. “The kids attending Augsburg today really love all the Bitcoin stuff, so I know they have plenty of investment wealth to share.” 

The accounts opened this week with an email sent on April 1 to everyone in the Augsburg mailing system with the subject “Monies please (; ^ ;),” which includes QR codes to find said accounts. Currently, the school’s projected donation goal is about $3 million, which, according to Kincash, seems like a low goal. 

“I figure with a five dollar donation here and a five dollar donation there, we should be out of debt in no time. Students these days have so much extra spending cash, we are anticipating a surplus in donations.” According to the Financial Board, all surplus donations will be put towards repaying the President for his generous salary cut during the pandemic. 

Despite the reassurances of people like Kincash, others are not so convinced this idea will actually help the university. Current head of the Economics department, Herbert Coleman, projects that there are other solutions that would make much more sense. 

“Tay is a blubbering idiot, without an iota of a brain cell. We should cut the salaries of staff members to solve any of the actual issues. Every week, they rub how much money they have in my face. If anyone thinks that people will Venmo us money they are… wait this is off record, right?”

A few students are also not enthused about the idea. Sophomore and theater major, Stephanie Gomez, points out that many of the people being asked for money don’t have any in the first place. “Dude, I live in Minneapolis and I’m a theater major. Do you think I have any money? Ask somebody else.” 

“Wi-Fi will remain free on campus. We want to be sure that everyone has internet access to Venmo and CashApp so they can contribute to the funds.” 

Tay kincash, augsburg financial board presidnet

Additionally, on-campus students are being charged for “optional utilities” such as heating and cooling, water, and electricity. These charges are not eligible to be covered by FAFSA loans and thus must be paid out of pocket monthly. “Wi-Fi will remain free on campus,” Kincash assures. “We want to be sure that everyone has internet access to Venmo and CashApp so they can contribute to the funds.” 

Commuters have had a bit of luck in escaping the fundraising efforts, as the Augsburg Financial Board informed students in the April 1 email that “We’re already excessively charging for parking passes, so those prices will remain the same.” 

However, commuter student Moth Rienan mentioned to the Echo “Inflation has gone up 99.06% and my on-campus job wage has stayed the same so no, actually, it’s not the same.” 

You can donate to the Augsburg Financial Board Venmo at @AuggieMonies or their CashApp $ProjectedAuggies. To assist the Echo in our efforts to not lose our funding for next year, please email Tay Kincash at t.kincash@augsburg.edu 

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This article was published as part of The Echo’s 2022 joke issue.