Abi Hilden, infinity gauntlet wielder

In a recent statement made by the Walt Disney World Company, new rules have been instituted in the Disney World parks. One such rule would effectively ban all gay people from the parks. This ban has been met with support and resistance in equal measure from Disney fans everywhere.

The rule would require all guests entering Disney parks to be subject to multiple tests to determine their sexuality. Although the specifications of these tests are not clear at this time, gaydar expert Cornelius Waffledump spoke to the Echo about what these tests could entail.

“In the past, the standard test for homosexuality is a wrist examination.” Waffledump states. “This would require park cast members to examine the ‘limp-ness’ of the wrists of all guests entering the parks. However, with the current situation of the pandemic and the advancement of technology, Disney may opt for an examination of the guests’ vocal patterns or style of dress.”

Protests against the rule have been held all over the country, including a march from Disneyland in California to the Magic Kingdom itself. Marchers, clad in Disney branded protest gear, carried signs labeling iconic characters like Donald Duck and Goofy as queer icons.

Supporters of the rule have voiced their excitement for the change to the Magic Kingdom on social media, even going so far as to start getting ‘#DisneyWorldIsStraight’ trending on Twitter. A popular supportive tweet circling the internet, made by Twitter user @MAGAgurl22, thanks Walt Disney himself for “keeping those gays out of the happiest place on earth.”

As a queer person myself, I reached out to my mother to comment on how the new rule impacts our family Disney World trip that was being planned for Feb. 2023.

“I don’t really know how to deal with the news if I’m being honest,” my Mom said. “Our family trip was going to be fourteen people, but with the amount of gay people that we have going, only three of us would be able to make it into the parks. I’m disappointed to say the least.”

When asked for comment, Disney CEO Mickey Mouse declined to apologize for the rule and doubled down on it by banning the entire LGBT+ community.

“Oh boy, the queer community has been tarnishing the good name of Disney for decades now, imposing their agendas all over our family friendly content,” Mouse said. “You can all be banned from the parks for all I care, I don’t like any of you anyways. Maybe Universal Studios will let you in.”

It’s unclear how the rule will impact ticket sales and even employment in the parks, as it seems that Mouse has not taken that aspect of the ban into consideration. Legal experts believe that it is unlikely that the ban will stand or have any long lasting effects on the company as a whole. It will be interesting to see how the new rule unfolds in the coming weeks as it is rolled out.

This article was published as part of The Echo’s 2022 joke issue.