Doom the Planet with the Environmental Destruction Committee
Aiden Lutjen, money printer
Everyone knows about the people who want us to hold our planet dear, but what about the people who want to see the world burn? If we’re going to hear everyone’s voice on the quality of our life here on Earth, we also need to listen to and consider the feelings of this lesser-known community of very real people. The Environmental Destructionist Committee is spreading their message and looking to gain more pro-pollution members.
“No one takes us seriously,” said one anonymous environmental destructionist I contacted. “Whenever we try to get our word out, no matter if that’s on the streets of cities or on social media, people laugh at us and tell us they enjoy the morbid humor. This isn’t humor, though! We’re serious, truly! We want everyone to know about the benefits to continuing our pollution of the planet, how deforestation and overhunting is a great idea, all of that!”
Environmental Destructionists have many sources to find out what everyday activities you can do to doom the planet even further, along with general education on exactly how damaging different industries, companies and other large organizations are. From things like overpopulation, sea pollution and mass factories, all the way down to keeping those lights on, leaving your car running when not in use and even eating that hamburger, they have all kinds of sources available for the public to view and study just how much damage they are doing to their surrounding environment along with creative ways to increase your damage.
“As soon as we create space travel, I vote for blowing up the next habitable planet we find…” wrote one anonymous 4chan user. “Well, that is, if we’re even still around to see that day.” After exchanging further messages with other users, they finally added, “Be right back, you guys, I gotta go turn on my two massive four-wheelers for no reason and attempt to start a forest fire while I drop plastic and car oil in the nearby river.”
I reached out to another environmental destructionist on Twitter just earlier today for more information, though he refused to talk to me further than one direct message: “F*** the planet dude, all my homies hate the planet.” I quickly decided that was enough Twitter for the day.
All in all, considering how educated and super well-rounded this group is, I can’t wait to see a club organize itself here on campus for students’ enjoyment. I can only imagine the kind of support we could conjure up over time, further pushing back on those pesky, definitely-incorrect, make-me-uncomfortable-because-there-are-consequences-to-my-actions liberal environmentalists. True environmentalism is anti-environmentalism.
This article was published as part of The Echo’s 2022 joke issue.