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Ask Abi: Hypothetical Hiding

Abi Hilden, infinity gauntlet wielder 

Dear Abi,

So, hypothetically let’s say that I have this friend who needs to get rid of something. And hypothetically that something is large and human-sized. Also, hypothetically of course, this something needs to be gotten rid of ASAP.

How would that friend get rid of that thing (hypothetically)?

Thanks,

Hypothetically Human


Dear Hypothetical Human,

To start, I just want to affirm that we’ve all been there. Getting rid of baggage is never easy, especially when it comes to stuff that’s as big as a person! But, your friend can rest easy knowing that I have some great tips when it comes to their predicament.

Burn it! One of the easiest ways to get rid of something large is to do a classic bout of arson. Find a big fire pit and just throw that thing in there! It’s quick, easy to do if you know someone with a large fire pit, and can turn into a fun social event if your friend invites some people to watch the burning, like a bonfire.

Throw it into a lake! A natural resource that you could use is one of the thousands of lakes in Minnesota. Many large objects will sink perfectly to the bottom of a lake if you throw them in. But, if your friend’s object is floating and not sinking, I would suggest tying something very heavy to it (like a cinder block or some weights). This will make sure that the object sinks to the bottom and doesn’t resurface for quite some time.

Feed it to something! There are a lot of animals who will eat pretty much anything, so chances are you could find some to eat the object that you have to get rid of. My suggestion would be to go to a farm and find either goats or pigs, as they are usually the type of animals to eat anything. Make sure to cut the object up before you feed it to them, as they may not want to eat it all in one sitting if it’s as large as a person.

When in doubt, call Toby! I have a buddy named Toby who specializes in getting rid of large, human-shaped objects. He is the best in the business at what he does, as he’s been doing it for decades. Toby’s services are also quite affordable, he works on an income-based scale so he will work with your budget! So, if all else fails, give Toby a call at (443)-387-2639. Make sure to let him know that I sent you to get a Friends & Family discount.

I hope these tips are helpful for you or your friend. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from friends or family in executing any of these methods, as some of them may have an even better way to do them than I do! This is a problem that we’ve all had to deal with, so you’re not alone. Good luck and stay safe!

Warmly,

Abi


This article was published as part of The Echo’s 2022 joke issue.