Aiden Lutjen, money printer

Inflation, poverty, debt and so much more – all money-related issues in today’s world that we continue to make worse despite knowing how bad it already is. These things ruin lives, rip apart families, destroy countries and decimate hope for the future. Economists everywhere say there’s no easy fix to this problem, but I object to such a statement. All of our worldwide money problems can be solved by one simple solution: Just print more money.

Whenever I say this, economists and businesspeople are up-in-arms and angry with me, and I really just don’t get why! I’m trying to help you guys fix your problems – it’s not my fault you didn’t think of this before an art major did.

“But Aiden,” they say, “doesn’t printing more money cause inflation, damage the economy and depreciate the US dollar?” Oh, yeah, most definitely with our current setup! But riddle me this, Batman: Why is a piece of paper worth so much?

Huge shout out to my super cool history professor I had for my first semester this year. You’re a real one for this the inspiration for this next demonstration.

Imagine I’m standing in front of you with a piece of printer paper in my hand. I wave this paper around in front of you, maybe even throwing it on the ground and stepping on it with muddy shoes. I then pick this paper up and tear that bad boy in half. Then, I slowly drop it into a paper shredder. The most you felt in this moment was probably a subtle wave of discomfort at this strange act, maybe even secondhand embarrassment. Point is, though, you had very little if any concern for the piece of paper I just absolutely decimated. Maybe you were slightly frustrated at such a waste of perfectly good paper, but nothing more, right?

But wait, the show’s not over! I slowly take out: a $20 bill. Perhaps you realize just what I’m about to do, but maybe you’re one of the few who don’t catch on right away. I wave the bill around and treat it the same as I did the paper. I pick it up, rip that potential wealth in half and look you dead in the eyes as I shred it. If you have any awareness of money whatsoever and aren’t Jeff Bezos, you probably just went through the five stages of grief four separate times, cringing every other second and staring at me in utter horror as if I just killed a man right in front of you, adding up to one of the most painful moments you have and ever will experience in your short existence.

Before you fall to your knees and mourn that perfectly good $20 bill, think: What’s so different between that piece of printer paper versus that $20 bill?

It’s because we give imaginary value to one piece of paper over the other. No one’s going to take me seriously if I write a cool new symbol on some cardboard and put a number next to it and say it’s worth $100. We give everything an imaginary value – everything from Bitcoins to baby socks, so why can’t we unimagine it? If we just act like inflation doesn’t exist – which it technically doesn’t, since we, as humans, made it up – and print more money, giving that money out to the people who need it and paying off the debts we have, we’d be 100% good! Now everyone has a comfortable amount of money to live off of as we make more through the economy through our jobs and purchases, blah blah blah, the world is now at peace.

It’s so easy! You’re all just stubborn.

This article was published as part of The Echo’s 2022 joke issue.